Recognizing Happiness

It has been awhile, hasn't it?

If you are wondering how I have been recently, I must say I have been quite very well. I have been feeling better than how I thought I might have been. I have been very blessed by the Lord. I have been given salvation by my God. God has given me my fighting spirit, given me favour, provided me with the many opportunities that was presented to me in the last 2 - 3 weeks. God, I really want to thank You for everything You have done for me. It is not luck, not fate, not by sheer destiny or whatever laymen call it. It is You.

Everything in my life, You have planned for me to live through. The good, the bad and all the ugly, are lessons You have placed in my life to challenge me and help me grow. All these events help me evolve from one who is a simple minded person to one with a razor sharp mind (or so I like to think - HAHA!) You gave me great and supportive friends, wonderful family members who are healthy and happy. You gave me a wonderful and challenging work environment - lovely colleagues and even more lovely students. You gave me a great boss. A smart boss who is top-notch in the design industry. I was very blessed to have him as my boss and have learnt so much from him. It has really been a pleasure. The journey was awesome. :)

Lately I have been blessed with a lot of opportunities. Opportunities to meet new people, make new friends, leave new impressions and opportunities for financial wealth to grow. Even though I always (constantly) worry about money, overspending this month and etc, how much to give to papa / to save in the bank and etc, You never fail to provide me with enough money. I did not NEED more. All that I have earned, is enough for me and my family. This, Lord, I am the most happy. My Lord also keeps me physically healthy. Yes, I may have that occasional headaches, shoulder aches, neck aches and tensed back, that is also because of my OWN doing. Who ask me to spend so much time on the laptop, ipad and phone? Almost always Lord tells me, enough, go rest, but I am still sitting there. I must listen out for Him more. He is always telling me, but I am just being stubborn.

Lord, I think I know why you took mum away. So that I may be independent, so that I may grow up.So that I may take responsibilities for my own actions, and also take care of my brothers and father. So that I may be an adult - no matter how much I refuse to grow up. The years went by so quickly. Almost 6 years now. When I close my eyes I can still hear you around the house - like you never left. But it is true right? I don't think you left.

I grew up, whether I like it or not. I am thirty this year. I am an adult. I have probably lived half my life by now - that is if i lived till 60. :) Lord, please continue to bless us, please continue to watch over us. Please continue to do all that You have been doing for the last 30 years of my life. Thank you Lord. In Jesus's name, AMEN.

Happy News!

I went for a medical check up on Friday, blood test, and all. :) And I am so happy to note that since March 2013, I lost 3 kgs! YAY!! I am not sure if it is a flux or anything or if the scale is not accurate, but the last time I used the same scale I was plus 3 kgs more! Even my nurse was like WOW how did you do it? I must say, run every day except Friday, weekends use the gym, sleep well, eat less, much less but eat well. Does it make sense? I think it means my food choices are a lot more healthy, better? Things that I am not sure what it is made of, I don't eat? Things that I am not sure of the calorie count, I don't eat too. Of cause I am not rigid, I still have my cake and eat it. All the time. :) Love LOVE chocolate cake. I am prepared to really EAT ALL that I can and I may for my 30th birthday. YAA HOOO!!

Forward . Onward .

Time passed too quickly. April is gone and May is starting to emerge. I cannot wait for time to pass as fast as the wind, yet a part of me is unable to take the pressure and the anticipation of the moving forward. Everyday, I am passing the tunnels of time to the promise of something beautiful waiting to start in the next chapter of my life. Is beautiful really the word? Could it be, fear and uncertainty? Could it be vulnerability and denial? May it be more chaos and pain? 

Gone is yesterday. Time is cruel. I have not forgotten all the bits and pieces of you. Have you? 

My heart swells in tenderness. This change in my life, is this what we call coming of age? I am no longer a youngling. In fact, I am well and clear in my 30s. Or rather, moving into my 30s gracefully at the end of this month. Yet this childlike uncertainly tugs at my heart strings quite so strongly that I find myself, trying to convince myself yet again that my directions and decisions are right. Mid-life crisis? HAHA. This is so scary to even imagine. 

Now that I am trying to analyze my situation logically, things may not be as bleak as I put it out to be. Perhaps this is just how one feels when one is in transition in their life? Moving from work to school, school and work and vice versa this and that. I just have to get used to it. I think I have been so used to a comfortable and stable life style (at least for the last 2.5 years) that any kind of change, makes me feel so uncomfortable and melancholy. 

I am scheduled for small procedure on Friday. I am not scared. Just a little anxious. It is not my first time and I should not even be this nervous but I think it is perhaps the lack of food (HAHA) that is making me feeling so antsy. I barely had anything to eat today. I have not cravings, no appetite, nothing to eat for today. I thought that there will be some food today, but I went home and there was nothing. I had 2 eggs and some bread but the bread was moldy (I could die). I am sad. Maybe I should have another egg and some yogurt. OH WELL! I think I am going to bed. Too tired today. Serves me right for staying up so late last night. _|_

Yay!

Even though there are things that are weighing me down these days, being the positive and motivated Jill that I am, I realized that I have a lot to look forward to. One thing for sure, and I mean for SURE! I lost weight!!! Yay!

Ok la, before we get all excited, I wanna say, I lost only 1 kg. Wahaha! I don't know I so happy for what! Actually my point is, I have been dieting, exercising like some mad person for almost a month, I only lost 1 kg. But at least! I lost weight! I think my weight now is almost the lightest I have been for the longest time. I think I was 47 kgs when I was like 21? And I already looked anorexic (because my face, shoulders and chest is very thin and boney). I finally lost like 1 kg and now I am 50 kg? I hope I lose like 2 more kgs so I can afford to binge a bit on special days. Yay! I will continue to work out and eat healthily and really work hard towards my goal. I like to see myself as the kind of person who works hard and never says no, never gives up. After all, I was once 85 kgs and now that I am 50, I must say my dedication to a healthy body is damn good!

Anyway, back to my not so happy story, I don't really know how to feel but I told myself to take everything one step at a time? Take things day by day and plan for the exit as best as I could, I would. I just want everything to be perfect when I leave. I am excited for change, excited for a new story and chapter of my life. I pray to God that I would be able to sustain myself and everything will be perfect. Ok I think I will chill out and rest. Talk later!!

Pause. Fly. Now.

Riding in the bus, the weather appeared to be really awesome. The sun is shining, its rays peeking through the gaps in the tree. The wind is blowing, the air clean fresh and crisp. Small white clouds dot the sky line. Birds spreading their wings, ongoing, ongoing. My heart aches with the desire to fly. To be sunbathing in the clean sun rays, taking in the air of freedom, taking on the world.

When will this be me? I refused to be brought down. I refused to be locked down in a cage, wings clipped, eating out of a bowl under your merciless watchful eyes, determining how much I eat, what I eat and what time to eat. I refused to sing for you. My voice is meant for more. For the ones who deserve it. For myself.

As the days pass, this last lap is going to be increasingly more painful as the day draws near. Labour pains. The closer it is to sweet freedom, it more painful the wait. My heart is tied, my mind is troubled. I wanna go. I wanna fly.

Hope, Faith

I can make things better.
I can start now
I have many dreams, ambitions, thoughts of the rainbow.
Where have they gone?
Why did they go?
Are they still there?
Darken by the years of removed innocence?
Greyed by the madness of of grown up world?
Why and how did I come to this?
My bad judgement? My wrong calculations?

I can walk out of this darken shadows.
I can see the colored walkways and rainbow paths.
It is coming soon.
Patience. Love. Perseverance.
Pray, have faith. Walk, stealthily. Be strong.
Stay vigilant. Come on dearest sweet heart, you can do this!

Abrupt

Ended abruptly. My heart is in pain.
God save me, catch me if you can.
You can! You can!
Looking back up as I fall,
Down the dark cold ravine,
Opening my mouth to scream, shout, to wake!
I hear no sound, no sound.
Silent.

When will this end, the end, the end.
Is near.

Gathering

Have been gathering my thoughts of late. There is plenty on my mind - things to do, things I plan to do... Directions, steps, sequences to take... I don't like this feeling, feeling this way, planning, arranging, having to take calculated risk (don't we all). Life is still good, still happy. But I can't help but feel an underlying veil of unhappiness, unwillingness and frustration. This veil, this layer, has been acting like a cling wrap, intensifying, permeating, penetrating into my life, brewing, making it unhappy, making it stressful, causing me grief and anger. Maybe it is not as bad as I have put it - but this slow worrying caused me to be unhappy about life in general. I really need to move on. Too bad this all takes time. Too bad time is not on my side at this point. I can't work fast enough. I feel a sense of impending doom. I need out. I am feeling the 'catch me if you can' vibe pulling at my tail feathers, licking at my heels. God save me.

This is not yet a cry for help for I know I can handle this. God be with me, hold me, guide me. God bring me to salvation. God allow me to seek refuge under your wings, hold me, comfort me, for me your child need your consolation. I need you Lord. Bring me to salvation. Let me not walk this path alone. God be with me. I will be with You dearest Abba Father. Jesus most precious name, Amen.

Direction in life - Part :)

Hello! Haven't exactly been writing! Had some negative stuff happening in my life - even though not that bad but I did not wanna write about it because I think I don't exactly want people too know? The stakes are too high? Not that anyone reads my blog anyways but just in case la! Haha. So things happened, though tolerable, life has been going on as usual, day after day week after week. Without really realising it, one-third of 2013 is almost over and my 30th birthday is coming up soon. So much to be thankful for, so much accomplished, so much happiness in my life and so much to strive for.

What to do what I am 30... Lots of stuff, braces? Haha! Lose some weight, change some style, perhaps cut my hair short? Change myself - for the better kind? Go out more, meet more people, spend less money, haha. Maybe and then again, not change and be contented with myself? I think I am forever at a crossroad. Seriously I did think, perhaps I wanna go back to school, get a degree in management studies, go look for a corporate job - this also reads as, change job? Yup, a lot of things on my mind. A lot of striving to do. A lot of people to train. Now you know why I lazy to write? Cause every time I think, I think about my direction for the next 6 months to 1 year of my life.

I wanna go and yet I don't wanna go. I think I know going is better, change is good... Really good? So much to weigh, the pros and cons. However I supposed it is written in the stars. I will move on ahead, swift, mean, sharp like a knife. Determined and devoted. Go back to school, do a part time cert class, improve and go ahead. This is all I wanna say. Next.

Fat! I am growing fatter! Haha! Ok maybe I am not. I lost a bit of weight because I exercised a lot daily, ok maybe not A LOT but run 45 minutes every night but Friday night and use the stationary bike on weekends in the gym but my food choices in amount of food intake is not getting better. Muahaha. So dead. I must watch it. If not by the time I am 30 I will be like a whale. Diabetes ridden whale - too much sweet stuff!

Moving along! Things coming up! Going to Bangkok with Cathy Maggots in April, going to eat, play, shop, buy, buy, buy, shoes, bags, dresses, clothes, accessories, make up, hair treatments, stuff and stuff and lotsa stuff till I have no money! Haha! I am so looking forward to this retreat.

In May, going for my procedure. Scared. Nervous and happy? Don't wanna think about it till it gets closer. I must work hard! I love you Jill Jill work out harder! <3

On Leave Life

Hello! I was on leave for the last two days. I had a restful break. I went around and did my stuff, basically, just slept in and watch tv, eat, watch more tv, cook for my brother, sleep, play game and watch tv. HAHA. 

On Thursday I went and did my hair. I was already annoyed with the condition of my tresses. The top of my hair is black, the middle faded ash brown/dark brown and the bottom, dip dyed faded purple/pink. I did not get to do my hair too before Chinese New Year because I did not want to pay so much money. HEH HEH. I made an appointment with at Aunty's shop and had Aunty Sally do my hair for me. This is what she did - first she added blonde highlights to the front and bottom of my hair, most of my purple/pink dip dyed colour would not go so we had to have bleach on for an even longer time. Then we washed off the bleach and added slightly darker ash brown on all my hair top to bottom to cover the highlights and the hair that was not dyed previously. Initially we were worried that the deep ash will not cover the now bright pink tresses and will leave it looking really shitty but the deep ash went on really well and my hair is really pretty after the wash and blow. Oh I needed to do treatment too because after bleaching, my hair was soooo dry, it is machiam Barbie Doll. HAHA! After washing we cannot even like separate my hair with our fingers. It was THAT bad! But I must say, I am the kind of person that will do treatment for my hair if it is needed once every month. So after putting my hair through this harsh chemical process, I will really need to see Aunty Sally and Aunty Cynthia very very often. HEE HEE! 

After doing my hair, I did something that I don't usually do, I went to buy a cup of bubble tea. *Beams!* I bought a green cup, 50% sugar, with aloe vera. Since it was my day off, I will go get myself a treat. Even though bubble tea is hardly a treat, it is something, I don't usually allow myself to drink. So, with my green tea and aloe, I went walking around Toa Payoh Central. It started to rain and I walked towards my favourite shoe and bag shop only to find that it has shift/close down. Aiyoh so sad! I think the rental cost in Toa Payoh must be very high, always all the nice random shops always close down. I wished I had more time to shop in Toa Payoh, buy all the cheap nice shoes and bags. In town they sell the same thing, but always like 50% to 70% more expensive. So, I think I have it, if I can, I will try to knock off earlier, and come back to my neighbourhood, to do shopping and basically just chill and enjoy myself. Life is short! Enjoy all the pretty beautiful moments. :) I bought Yong Tau Foo soup for lunch. It was awesome. Oh I bought myself a pack of Time Perfection Imedeen. Another milestone for me, this year, I will be 30 years old. I plan to take more collagen daily and take Imedeen to reduce fine lines and wrinkles and dark age spots. Make my skin more supple and toink toink! I want to be a pretty old chio bu, at regardless what age. I aim to be healthy and stress-free. 

So for the rest of the day, I went home, packed my room, ate my lunch, watched tv, bleached my eyebrows,  then I met Jon for dinner at CPK. I ordered the miso salad with crabs and shrimp, and he ordered the peking duck pizza for the first time. Of course we shared the food. We even had to take the balance away because we cannot finish it and we don't want to waste it. :) The balance was consumed by Jon's dad I thinkl HEE HEE. 

On Friday Jon had to work at 1pm. We left home together so I can head home after that. Jon left for work and I went to Maison Kayser to buy mu favourite raisin and apple bread. :) Pain Au Raisin and Pain Au Pomme? I think it is called that. I love the apple bread so much I bought 2 pieces and I ate them ALL in the same day. After eating, I am a bit scared of eating bread for a while. I watched Yakitate Japan at home, slept, watched more HK drama on TV, Man with No Shadows starring handsome Lam Fung and pretty like hell. Tavia Yeung. At night I met Jon at City Hall Raffles City and I drank some clam chowder at Mos Burger. So yums! I think basically this is what happens during my off day. Just chill only. HAHA. 

Oh I mention that I am watching this super nice HK drama called The Last Steep Ascent? It is super nice and I am super hooked and I am gonna go watch it now. :) BYE! 

Some random rants...

Hello!! Been thinking about some things lately, about human nature and how people work. Of late, I recognize that due to some tight deadlines - orientation, live workshop, grad show, end of term, first day of school, modules n class schedule refinements all, I have been quite physically tired and mentally stretched. Not sure if this caused my temper to flare n be impatient? I hope I was still okay to the other staff n able to keep a low profile. This trying to be low profile thing is a wee bit annoying but I am trying to be happy still n be quiet. I know I must. I want up be fair to every one n not be judgmental.

Which brings me to the point, observing people and getting along with them, working with them. It is tough but I am trying as much to stay away from people who don't agree with me to avoid conflicts. But I must add that when it comes to work I will not be judgmental and make sure I still go through the procedure and explain the usual. I will also be polite and thankful. I am sure the people will know I am keeping distance and not overstep boundaries. Luckily if I have to be, I am the slightly stern and take no shit kinda person, so naturally people don't like to try me.

Anyway, what I am trying to say here is, just be myself, keep my ass mouth shut, work hard and don't comment. Just chill work and shut up. You can do it. I will work within my means with regards to the work that has been assigned to me.

Okay I think I better sleep now. Tomorrow have to wake at 645 for live workshop day 3! Jiayou Jill Jill!

Graduate Show for 2012DID02 - Peektures!

Good job guys! So proud of you! All the best in your career! :) much much love!

Happy Lunar New Year of the Snake!

I am so happy for all the times we spent together, my family. I love you guys all and I wanna be with you guys for as long as I live. Thank you God for this lovely home.

Looking back & Goodbye Class 2012DID02!!

Hello! Looking back at my previous post, I supposed I have been really too stressed up la. Actually now that the workshop is almost over - the grad show for 2012DID02 was over as off yesterday, I am feeling so much better. A lot of my paper work, the must-dos and procedures have been completed and I am feeling a huge sense of relieve! I am so happy that, it is really not as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I think seriously, we are getting more and more pros when it comes to event management and organising. We are getting the hang of it and we are doing it well. Very proud of everyone. Feel like I did very little work la, but still contributed somehow... Heh heh!

Anyway the point of me writing! My sweetest class of 2012DID02 had their grad show on the 15 Feb 2013 and I must say the show was superb! Thank you guys for working so hard! You guys did a super good job in getting your boards printed, on time, the furniture assembled and all! So happy that you were professional during the show and you certainly wowed the crowd! :) I hope you were excited that industry veterans like Kekai Kotaki and James Paick went abouts their way around the gallery looking at your sketchbooks and gathering your name cards and networking with you.

All the best to your future endeavors and hope you guys are able to land a job of your dreams. Please keep in touch and always remember us. Send us emails and stuff okay? Haha!

Anyway now as I am writing in bed, lying in my favourite position, like a small prawn, I cannot help thinking about my God and all the good things that happened to me. No matter how difficult and how I worried over the mindless nitty small details, God has spoken to me, to not worry, be stressed up or anxious, that I should hand over all my burden to him, and He my Almighty savior, will carry my burdens for me. But first, I must also use the skills, knowledge and wisdom He has given me to give my best to Him.

Dear God teach me not to be judgmental or manipulative, or bad hearted and narrow minded. I will work within my ways, to ensure that all my goals are reach and on this journey I have to remember, that You my God are with me this whole way, that if I see only a pair of foot prints instead of two, you are holding me, supporting me and giving me courage, the will to fly. Thank you Lord, for carrying my burdens for me, loving me, giving me strength to live through this life. More closely, I pray for strength n no tiredness for the last day of the event tomorrow. After which it will be first day of school! Can do it! In Jesus most previous name, AMEN!

New Updates - Insecurities

Hello I know it has been a long time, but firstly, Happy New Year! Welcome the year of the Black Snake! Perhaps I will write another entry on the new year goodies and catch up with cousins and whatnots next but currently I am not exactly in the mood to recite on the joyousness of the new year.

I don't know why but this has been bothering me. I am feeling some bits of insecurity when it comes to work. I am not sure why, I feel really quite overwhelmed of late and I feel that I am not performing as well as I should be. I feel that I have been doing a lot of work, not necessary being efficient and I am not complaining about the work load truly but it seems like I am not excelling or doing fine in the areas that I should be proficient in. I know this should not be a problem even but I am really uptight about my current situation. I know I should not be looking at horoscopes but I saw that Pigs are not going to have it good career-wise this year and truly, I am feeling kinda tired already. I am 'supposed to keep a low profile, not complain so much and just work my way through'. I think I will do that, just keep my mouth shut and do my things.

The orientation for the new intake is coming up, in fact, it is happening tomorrow at 945am. I am preparing for it now. This is me, ever ready, ever practicing and wanting to do my best but, I am not sure, I am not so bright? I am not like a last minute kinda person, I have to write notes, practice, go extra early, check and re-check and YET I can still miss stuff out. I don't really remember details and such and it feels bad. Like I am underperforming. I don't wanna go around to fish for praises, I just wanna do my work and do it well. I really hate it now, like how everything is about to happen at the same time and I can do nothing about it. I feel like heading over  to office tomorrow just to check that all is in place and all is well. I am intending to go to office at 730am to have some extra class schedules printed out and placed on the orientation chairs and recall what time we put out the sparkling juices and all. I am SUCH A WORRY WART I KNOW! But I have to do this to myself if not I WILL NOT DO WELL! :( I am truly sad now, my morale and mood is so low.

Also, I have to call Four Leaves tomorrow to check on the bun orders. SO STRESS! Did I say, the live workshop and grad show is going to happen on Friday, simultaneously? Yes the grad show will just last 3 hours but the live workshop for 3 days? And I have to make sure all the boards go up in place, my students' dressing and hair style is in place, the furniture is in place. Wah I am so stressed up! Okay I change my mind, I will sleep early tonight, head to the office in the morning, print all the necessary documents and have it set up properly for Wednesday to happen. :(

Yes yes I know I have already done the prep work and everything and all that needs to be done is for the event to officially HAPPEN. The execution stage. I have the last minute jitters and this is bad! I never thought that I might be so affected by this period this week. I really wish for this week to end as fast as possible so that life may go back to usual  - or so I think.

Now I am going to head back to my slides and practice for my presentations. Leave the New Year entry to another time. :)