New Beginnings

Wow, I was looking back to my older posts and this is like, in 2013? 

What was I doing back then? And man, I was young. Young and ignorant, fresh and, I don't know, naive? 

I guess it felt like life was easier, it was more manageable and if I committed any sins, easier to be forgiven. I do not know why I stop writing. Maybe it was the amounting pressures of life, maybe I was starting to get gradually unhappy. Maybe I was just getting impatient. I do not know. And maybe I was starting to shell up and front. Who cares and who remembers what happened anyway.


So just some updates from 2013. Jon and I broke up. I don't know who broke up with whom, maybe it is not important anymore. It was mainly me I guess. But I am happier now. I am newly engaged to Zed, who is an awesome person. We will be planning to buy an apartment next May and perhaps by early 2019, we will get married! HAHA. It's fun la. All this planning. 

Anyway, just here to say Hi and maybe I'll write more later. For now, these are just some pictures of us. :) Look how I blossomed. 

Recognizing Happiness

It has been awhile, hasn't it?

If you are wondering how I have been recently, I must say I have been quite very well. I have been feeling better than how I thought I might have been. I have been very blessed by the Lord. I have been given salvation by my God. God has given me my fighting spirit, given me favour, provided me with the many opportunities that was presented to me in the last 2 - 3 weeks. God, I really want to thank You for everything You have done for me. It is not luck, not fate, not by sheer destiny or whatever laymen call it. It is You.

Everything in my life, You have planned for me to live through. The good, the bad and all the ugly, are lessons You have placed in my life to challenge me and help me grow. All these events help me evolve from one who is a simple minded person to one with a razor sharp mind (or so I like to think - HAHA!) You gave me great and supportive friends, wonderful family members who are healthy and happy. You gave me a wonderful and challenging work environment - lovely colleagues and even more lovely students. You gave me a great boss. A smart boss who is top-notch in the design industry. I was very blessed to have him as my boss and have learnt so much from him. It has really been a pleasure. The journey was awesome. :)

Lately I have been blessed with a lot of opportunities. Opportunities to meet new people, make new friends, leave new impressions and opportunities for financial wealth to grow. Even though I always (constantly) worry about money, overspending this month and etc, how much to give to papa / to save in the bank and etc, You never fail to provide me with enough money. I did not NEED more. All that I have earned, is enough for me and my family. This, Lord, I am the most happy. My Lord also keeps me physically healthy. Yes, I may have that occasional headaches, shoulder aches, neck aches and tensed back, that is also because of my OWN doing. Who ask me to spend so much time on the laptop, ipad and phone? Almost always Lord tells me, enough, go rest, but I am still sitting there. I must listen out for Him more. He is always telling me, but I am just being stubborn.

Lord, I think I know why you took mum away. So that I may be independent, so that I may grow up.So that I may take responsibilities for my own actions, and also take care of my brothers and father. So that I may be an adult - no matter how much I refuse to grow up. The years went by so quickly. Almost 6 years now. When I close my eyes I can still hear you around the house - like you never left. But it is true right? I don't think you left.

I grew up, whether I like it or not. I am thirty this year. I am an adult. I have probably lived half my life by now - that is if i lived till 60. :) Lord, please continue to bless us, please continue to watch over us. Please continue to do all that You have been doing for the last 30 years of my life. Thank you Lord. In Jesus's name, AMEN.

Happy News!

I went for a medical check up on Friday, blood test, and all. :) And I am so happy to note that since March 2013, I lost 3 kgs! YAY!! I am not sure if it is a flux or anything or if the scale is not accurate, but the last time I used the same scale I was plus 3 kgs more! Even my nurse was like WOW how did you do it? I must say, run every day except Friday, weekends use the gym, sleep well, eat less, much less but eat well. Does it make sense? I think it means my food choices are a lot more healthy, better? Things that I am not sure what it is made of, I don't eat? Things that I am not sure of the calorie count, I don't eat too. Of cause I am not rigid, I still have my cake and eat it. All the time. :) Love LOVE chocolate cake. I am prepared to really EAT ALL that I can and I may for my 30th birthday. YAA HOOO!!

Forward . Onward .

Time passed too quickly. April is gone and May is starting to emerge. I cannot wait for time to pass as fast as the wind, yet a part of me is unable to take the pressure and the anticipation of the moving forward. Everyday, I am passing the tunnels of time to the promise of something beautiful waiting to start in the next chapter of my life. Is beautiful really the word? Could it be, fear and uncertainty? Could it be vulnerability and denial? May it be more chaos and pain? 

Gone is yesterday. Time is cruel. I have not forgotten all the bits and pieces of you. Have you? 

My heart swells in tenderness. This change in my life, is this what we call coming of age? I am no longer a youngling. In fact, I am well and clear in my 30s. Or rather, moving into my 30s gracefully at the end of this month. Yet this childlike uncertainly tugs at my heart strings quite so strongly that I find myself, trying to convince myself yet again that my directions and decisions are right. Mid-life crisis? HAHA. This is so scary to even imagine. 

Now that I am trying to analyze my situation logically, things may not be as bleak as I put it out to be. Perhaps this is just how one feels when one is in transition in their life? Moving from work to school, school and work and vice versa this and that. I just have to get used to it. I think I have been so used to a comfortable and stable life style (at least for the last 2.5 years) that any kind of change, makes me feel so uncomfortable and melancholy. 

I am scheduled for small procedure on Friday. I am not scared. Just a little anxious. It is not my first time and I should not even be this nervous but I think it is perhaps the lack of food (HAHA) that is making me feeling so antsy. I barely had anything to eat today. I have not cravings, no appetite, nothing to eat for today. I thought that there will be some food today, but I went home and there was nothing. I had 2 eggs and some bread but the bread was moldy (I could die). I am sad. Maybe I should have another egg and some yogurt. OH WELL! I think I am going to bed. Too tired today. Serves me right for staying up so late last night. _|_

Yay!

Even though there are things that are weighing me down these days, being the positive and motivated Jill that I am, I realized that I have a lot to look forward to. One thing for sure, and I mean for SURE! I lost weight!!! Yay!

Ok la, before we get all excited, I wanna say, I lost only 1 kg. Wahaha! I don't know I so happy for what! Actually my point is, I have been dieting, exercising like some mad person for almost a month, I only lost 1 kg. But at least! I lost weight! I think my weight now is almost the lightest I have been for the longest time. I think I was 47 kgs when I was like 21? And I already looked anorexic (because my face, shoulders and chest is very thin and boney). I finally lost like 1 kg and now I am 50 kg? I hope I lose like 2 more kgs so I can afford to binge a bit on special days. Yay! I will continue to work out and eat healthily and really work hard towards my goal. I like to see myself as the kind of person who works hard and never says no, never gives up. After all, I was once 85 kgs and now that I am 50, I must say my dedication to a healthy body is damn good!

Anyway, back to my not so happy story, I don't really know how to feel but I told myself to take everything one step at a time? Take things day by day and plan for the exit as best as I could, I would. I just want everything to be perfect when I leave. I am excited for change, excited for a new story and chapter of my life. I pray to God that I would be able to sustain myself and everything will be perfect. Ok I think I will chill out and rest. Talk later!!

Pause. Fly. Now.

Riding in the bus, the weather appeared to be really awesome. The sun is shining, its rays peeking through the gaps in the tree. The wind is blowing, the air clean fresh and crisp. Small white clouds dot the sky line. Birds spreading their wings, ongoing, ongoing. My heart aches with the desire to fly. To be sunbathing in the clean sun rays, taking in the air of freedom, taking on the world.

When will this be me? I refused to be brought down. I refused to be locked down in a cage, wings clipped, eating out of a bowl under your merciless watchful eyes, determining how much I eat, what I eat and what time to eat. I refused to sing for you. My voice is meant for more. For the ones who deserve it. For myself.

As the days pass, this last lap is going to be increasingly more painful as the day draws near. Labour pains. The closer it is to sweet freedom, it more painful the wait. My heart is tied, my mind is troubled. I wanna go. I wanna fly.

Hope, Faith

I can make things better.
I can start now
I have many dreams, ambitions, thoughts of the rainbow.
Where have they gone?
Why did they go?
Are they still there?
Darken by the years of removed innocence?
Greyed by the madness of of grown up world?
Why and how did I come to this?
My bad judgement? My wrong calculations?

I can walk out of this darken shadows.
I can see the colored walkways and rainbow paths.
It is coming soon.
Patience. Love. Perseverance.
Pray, have faith. Walk, stealthily. Be strong.
Stay vigilant. Come on dearest sweet heart, you can do this!