Pause. Fly. Now.

Riding in the bus, the weather appeared to be really awesome. The sun is shining, its rays peeking through the gaps in the tree. The wind is blowing, the air clean fresh and crisp. Small white clouds dot the sky line. Birds spreading their wings, ongoing, ongoing. My heart aches with the desire to fly. To be sunbathing in the clean sun rays, taking in the air of freedom, taking on the world.

When will this be me? I refused to be brought down. I refused to be locked down in a cage, wings clipped, eating out of a bowl under your merciless watchful eyes, determining how much I eat, what I eat and what time to eat. I refused to sing for you. My voice is meant for more. For the ones who deserve it. For myself.

As the days pass, this last lap is going to be increasingly more painful as the day draws near. Labour pains. The closer it is to sweet freedom, it more painful the wait. My heart is tied, my mind is troubled. I wanna go. I wanna fly.

Hope, Faith

I can make things better.
I can start now
I have many dreams, ambitions, thoughts of the rainbow.
Where have they gone?
Why did they go?
Are they still there?
Darken by the years of removed innocence?
Greyed by the madness of of grown up world?
Why and how did I come to this?
My bad judgement? My wrong calculations?

I can walk out of this darken shadows.
I can see the colored walkways and rainbow paths.
It is coming soon.
Patience. Love. Perseverance.
Pray, have faith. Walk, stealthily. Be strong.
Stay vigilant. Come on dearest sweet heart, you can do this!

Abrupt

Ended abruptly. My heart is in pain.
God save me, catch me if you can.
You can! You can!
Looking back up as I fall,
Down the dark cold ravine,
Opening my mouth to scream, shout, to wake!
I hear no sound, no sound.
Silent.

When will this end, the end, the end.
Is near.

Gathering

Have been gathering my thoughts of late. There is plenty on my mind - things to do, things I plan to do... Directions, steps, sequences to take... I don't like this feeling, feeling this way, planning, arranging, having to take calculated risk (don't we all). Life is still good, still happy. But I can't help but feel an underlying veil of unhappiness, unwillingness and frustration. This veil, this layer, has been acting like a cling wrap, intensifying, permeating, penetrating into my life, brewing, making it unhappy, making it stressful, causing me grief and anger. Maybe it is not as bad as I have put it - but this slow worrying caused me to be unhappy about life in general. I really need to move on. Too bad this all takes time. Too bad time is not on my side at this point. I can't work fast enough. I feel a sense of impending doom. I need out. I am feeling the 'catch me if you can' vibe pulling at my tail feathers, licking at my heels. God save me.

This is not yet a cry for help for I know I can handle this. God be with me, hold me, guide me. God bring me to salvation. God allow me to seek refuge under your wings, hold me, comfort me, for me your child need your consolation. I need you Lord. Bring me to salvation. Let me not walk this path alone. God be with me. I will be with You dearest Abba Father. Jesus most precious name, Amen.

Direction in life - Part :)

Hello! Haven't exactly been writing! Had some negative stuff happening in my life - even though not that bad but I did not wanna write about it because I think I don't exactly want people too know? The stakes are too high? Not that anyone reads my blog anyways but just in case la! Haha. So things happened, though tolerable, life has been going on as usual, day after day week after week. Without really realising it, one-third of 2013 is almost over and my 30th birthday is coming up soon. So much to be thankful for, so much accomplished, so much happiness in my life and so much to strive for.

What to do what I am 30... Lots of stuff, braces? Haha! Lose some weight, change some style, perhaps cut my hair short? Change myself - for the better kind? Go out more, meet more people, spend less money, haha. Maybe and then again, not change and be contented with myself? I think I am forever at a crossroad. Seriously I did think, perhaps I wanna go back to school, get a degree in management studies, go look for a corporate job - this also reads as, change job? Yup, a lot of things on my mind. A lot of striving to do. A lot of people to train. Now you know why I lazy to write? Cause every time I think, I think about my direction for the next 6 months to 1 year of my life.

I wanna go and yet I don't wanna go. I think I know going is better, change is good... Really good? So much to weigh, the pros and cons. However I supposed it is written in the stars. I will move on ahead, swift, mean, sharp like a knife. Determined and devoted. Go back to school, do a part time cert class, improve and go ahead. This is all I wanna say. Next.

Fat! I am growing fatter! Haha! Ok maybe I am not. I lost a bit of weight because I exercised a lot daily, ok maybe not A LOT but run 45 minutes every night but Friday night and use the stationary bike on weekends in the gym but my food choices in amount of food intake is not getting better. Muahaha. So dead. I must watch it. If not by the time I am 30 I will be like a whale. Diabetes ridden whale - too much sweet stuff!

Moving along! Things coming up! Going to Bangkok with Cathy Maggots in April, going to eat, play, shop, buy, buy, buy, shoes, bags, dresses, clothes, accessories, make up, hair treatments, stuff and stuff and lotsa stuff till I have no money! Haha! I am so looking forward to this retreat.

In May, going for my procedure. Scared. Nervous and happy? Don't wanna think about it till it gets closer. I must work hard! I love you Jill Jill work out harder! <3